Working on Myself

I just recently was dumped. It was a short relationship but it was with someone I really loved and trusted. Meaning I am quite sad. It was my fault it ended. I was jealous of others and a few other things. I am now somewhat glad the relationship has ended. While I love him as much as I originally did, it helped me realize some things about myself I don't like. Most of which is my lack of confidence. I had originally thought I was going to better myself (for myself of course) think about my future and what kind of relationship I would want to be. I keep returning to the fact that I want to be in a relationship with him. It seems unlikely for any hope of this. We're still friends, I am glad of this. He is a wonderful person. I admire so many of his characteristics and enjoy my time with him. Oh well, I'll just keep working on myself as planned. I will be sad but it will go away. At least now I'll have time to work on my writing. I plan on working on a story I've had in mind for awhile. All thats need is minor details. I also have a couple of songs I had written for him (he's a musician) but never wrote down. Maybe I'll post those as well.

Heartbroken

I recently had some troubles with a friend. Things have been fairly resolved but my heart still aches. I love this friend dearly. More than I should. And he does not want me. I constantly question what is wrong with me and everyone tells me nothing. I cannot trust that. Something must be wrong. My heart is broken and it is hard for me to deal with. It is hard to sleep, I have to wait until I can no longer handle being awake, especially when ever since I met this person I have not dreamed without him being there. Every morning I wake up depressed to the point of sickness. Please be gentle with comments right now. Harshness may break me.

Pixie Lead- Following Meg's Lead

The lovely Meg asked in her blog whether or not anyone besides herself had been 'Pixie Lead". After reading her post ( click the title to read) I decided to recount my own experience. While I have had many, the most recent was today. With summer semester and other things I haven't been able to go riding. However, despite having a final tomorrow, I have been having a rough time as of late. Depression is constantly hovering over me. I decided I would drop everything and take my youngest horse out for a ride. Something that is almost impossible to not enjoy. My riding started off simple enough. A trot and a canter through familiar woods. And then a butterfly crossed our path. At first, it seemed to have no general path but as we continued the butterfly would fly off in a direction and then back to Beau and I. I could not help myself. I turned Beau to follow the butterfly off a slightly over grown path. Of course, not wanting to travel off into an unknown world with my finals tomorrow I kept my eye on our original trail. The butterfly led flitted ahead of us until it came to land upon a tree. It was a magnificent sight, this tree. Mushrooms a mixture of purple,pink and orange crept up its trunk along side bright green moss. Should I have ever looked for a tree in which the fae may live, this would have been it. When I looked around for the butterfly, it was gone, and the light was fading. I heard my mother calling for me and we headed home at a pleasant canter. I think I shall one day take a picture of my mystical tree. How I wish I could have a picture of our strange tour guide as well. How wonderful it is to realize no matter how old I become or how clutter my life becomes I can still go on adventures, even if they are small ones.

The Lady of Shalott

I used to write when I was younger. But I never let anyone read anything that I wrote, even my family. I eventually gave up writing completely, even though I loved it. I want to write again and do so to the best of my ability. Therefore I started this blog. To post my stories and thoughts and hopefully get criticism. This will be the first thing I have written and allowed others to read. I have always loved the poem about the Lady of Shalott. And I always wondered what she may have thought in those last moments of her life. These are my thoughts on what she must have felt. Id you haven't read it there is a link to it in my title. It's a wonderful poem.

The First Breathe
I lay here drifting on the stream looking into the vastness of the sky. How wonderful it is to see things with my own eyes. For so long I was locked inside the tower with nothing but my threads and that dreadful mirror. I watched as the world passes, never wondering why I was not a part of it. That was until I saw him.

I remember when I first saw him. With his flowing hair and beautiful voice upon his great steed. The world changed in that moment. The threads were no longer enough. The illusion in the mirror no longer meant anything. And yet I could not look through my window. I could not look into his eyes, lest I would die. My heart ached, my palms sweated. I had heard people murmur about the sweetness of love as they passed by. Never had they mentioned the sorrow.

I began to wait to see him pass. To hear his golden voice float up into my window. When I first heard his laughter my world began to crumble. I wanted so to hold him. And the I heard him speak her name. The name of his lady love. My world was no more.

I paced the room. Pain I had never felt overwhelmed me. So long I had been in this tower. Never knowing what it was the people spoke of. Never knowing what hunger,cold,or pain truly was. Nor knowing love,happiness, and peace. It all swept over me in the moment I realized all I had missed. All because of him. All because I loved him.

I looked through the window to see where he went. I was determined to follow him. To at least touch him. To feel complete rapture if only for a moment. I ran down the steps and out the door. I found a boat upon the stream. Tied with a rope like one of my many threads. I easily untied the boat and climbed in. I wrote my name upon the prow so that might know me when I first come into sight. I am now ready. Ready to drift down the stream to him. To my fate.

I have now seen the wonders of the world. Seen the flowers and the birds with my own eyes. How wonderful it is! The sun is setting and here I am, floating to my love. I can see the stars glitter for the first time. I feel a strange sensation. What I believe is cold. How strange this all is. I remember some of the songs I have heard from the people that used to pass by. How wonderful it feels to have the words trickle from my mouth. The vibration in my throat is such a strange sensation. I feel free for the first time. Despite the thrill of all these new things my eyes will not stay open. I think I shall rest a while, until I see my love.